Things I Imagined: Self Love
You’re often told that you shouldn’t seek validation from other parties, before seeking it in yourself and I hold myself to this in high regard today.
Thus far, 2019 has reminded me that not only am I a bad bitch, but also that I hold all the cards to my own happiness. Corny quotes aside.
I talk about dating and why I actively avoid it quite often, but here we are, reloading the topic once more. Though I value the feeling of having someone and being loved, I can’t help but think it won’t add anything to my person right now, simply because of the fullness and security I feel within myself. A rarity to no end. Sure, I frequently joke about MCM’s and crushes et al, but the harsh reality is that right at this very moment men aren’t even a little bit on my radar and I’ll explain why.
Over the past year, I’ve worked on getting my spark back. The spark that long left me, likely because it was being held by that of someone else. I didn't understand and couldn't comprehend not being in the shadows of my sadness, because anything else felt fraudulent. It’s incredibly difficult to put a timeframe on healing or how someone should go about mending themselves after hitting rock bottom, but once they finally reach that moment of closure, holy fucking fuck is it a eureka moment. Being told you should get over something and actively getting over things on your own terms are two different frames. My ex-therapist once told me, “you have to accept that there are some things you cannot control,” and I've reminded myself of those words in every aspect of my life since. I remind myself of this concept when the items I ogled on PLT are sold out. I remind myself of this when Alexa goes doo-lally and starts talking back. And most important of all, I remind myself of this in regards to friendships and relationships. Though you may want to mend and repair them, there is only so much you can do before bowing out and accepting fate.
A year on, give or take 15 days and I love myself more than I ever have. A crushing realisation - and some might think me mad to thank someone who brought me to rock bottom, before truly seeing the light - but I am so happy. I'm thankful for hitting the floor and hating myself in 2018 because looking back I pity that girl, and have done everything in my power to remind her that she is capable, hilarious, beautiful and spirited, just as she tells her friends they are. The level of happiness I've since reached isn't an everyday feeling. I don't feel particularly happy when I wake up with a wine hangover or when I can't find my headphones before work, but I've reached a level of peace and acceptance today that I didn't embody last year.
Losing that peace to a crush who doesn’t see me as the 10 that I feel like at my best, seems fruitless. Sitting atop my mountain, where I routinely feel like the Beyonce of my own skin, I refuse to let anyone make me feel even a smidgen less than. All too often are we influenced by other people’s opinions of us and we let those opinions manifest into insecurities of our own. I’m guilty of it and when I’m not shown the attention I feel I deserve, I close off entirely because why should I be made to feel shitty just to have someone by my side? Friend or otherwise.
One of my love languages is ‘words of affirmation,’ and I often feel starved when I’m not told how great I am. But the lesson learned - all too late, but a lesson learned nonetheless - is that when I offer myself those words of affirmation, I no longer feel starved. Instead, I feel empowered. I feel like I can conquer my fears. I feel on top of the fucking world. Today, despite my bender at the weekend and the exhaustion I felt dragging myself back to work, I'm still all of those things.
Though there are literally books on how to love yourself, self-love doesn't have a manual. It arrives at your door when you least expect it, in waves you might not quite understand and it starts by telling yourself you're capable of all the things you convince yourself you cannot do or do not feel. Last years feels made me feel ugly, and so I manifested that into my own reality. I took no photos of myself, I shied away from the internet and I convinced myself that I wasn't a ting. Today's affirmations include reminding myself that despite what people may say when they're sharing my photos between their group chats, I am beautiful, inside and out. I cannot imagine not loving myself for exactly who I am. With all of my flaws, every one of my imperfections. Unapologetically me today and always. This is a sincere thank you and a fuck you to anyone who has ever made me feel like I didn't deserve what I wanted or that I was less than I am. I feel fucking great huns.
I leave you with these famous wise words:
"I is kind. I is smart. I is important"