Realising Stuff, Personified


Evidently, I’ve spent the past 11 months using Kylie Jenner as the meme of all memes. Debunking the ‘realising things’ statement to nothing more than a pointless ‘I was forced by my publicist to do this’ statement. But as it happens, Kylie was right, and just like that 2016 ends a whole lot worse than it began.

While others consistently praised the makeup enthusiast for her lip-line kit and other makeup whatever’s, I mocked her incessantly, but perhaps I was the foolish one? 

Now, I don’t know about all of you but my year has been jam packed full of nothing but raging disappointment, the death of my mental stability and also, my overall willingness to be pleasant. Not only has this year broken me spiritually and emotionally, but I also now resemble that of a 60 year old male, but I digress. Now, this is not a post to go into depth about how soul crushed I’ve been these past few months, or even how frequently I’ve drowned my sorrows in a plate, or three, of nachos (I’m lactose intolerant), but to come together and discuss many of the hideous, heinous happenings of 2016.

With the end of the year just five weeks away, I’m compelled to discuss just why 2016, which we all had such high hopes for, has been this terrible. I mean, who hexed us ALLPerhaps this was just the first year I adulted enough to actually watch and engage with the news, could that be the only plausible explanation? Because to be frank, I’m losing a grip on reality and would very much like the earth to stop rotating on its axis, for just five long minutes.

Shall we begin, or end with the results of Brexit? A mere week before my Grecian getaway, an escape from the temperamental London weather. I thank myself every day since, that I exchanged my money just a few days before the horror. My friends however? Not so lucky. This only made my latter trips harder to plan for. Ok so picture this, close your eyes and remember the moment, watching the pound drop in value as you relentlessly scream down the phone to your significant other “I should have cunting changed my money when I had the chance”. Sound familiar? So there’s that, thanks a lot 2016.

Then came the shock death of Prince whom I truly believed would live forever, long beyond my years. Perhaps this was the year the legends died, Alan Rickman, Muhammed Ali, Harambe, Bill Cunningham, Pete Burns and Bowie to name a few. Had you not taken enough from us, year!?

Let us all hold hands and sing Kumbaya as we remember the fact that Trump, whom believes a woman should be grabbed by her nether regions, was elected president of the United States. Like what in the-?! How did he even get that far in running I hear you ask. Well, my theory is that it’s all part of an elaborate April Fools prank gone horribly horribly wrong. That is of little comfort to us, but I choose to believe it. Just rock yourself gently back and forth and hope that the ordeal doesn’t emotionally cripple you for the next 4 years.

And lastly, Vine was ultimately canned this year making any video longer than 5 seconds a struggle and an effort to watch, to say the least. How now will we illustrate sub-par tweets without the help of Vine videos? Sort it out 2016. Admittedly, this news cut me the deepest because the treachery of this year, stretched to the internet, our only saving grace. Open your eyes guys, realise stuff.

To amend the words of Ruben Studdard’s only major hit, I’m sorry for 2016 Kylie.

Kylie, you trolled us all.


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