Ok, so it’s Christmas in a matter of days and admittedly you’re freaked. Chances are, you probably haven’t yet purchased a gift for your parents, siblings or the rich aunt you-don’t-really-like-but-would-very-much-like-money-in-return from. As Spider-Man so eloquently puts it, everybody gets one.
I mean, this shit is hard and you’ve got to face the fact that inevitably, you will be broke at the end of it all. But what if it were easy? What if there were a gift guide so absurd, yet perhaps even the slightest bit helpful, it had the power to solve all of your Christmas woes. What if some genius (me), collated a number of incredible, yet equally ridiculous gifts to offer your family members. Subsequently leaving the rather expensive (or incredibly inexpensive), price tag on. You know, to let them know you’ve made the effort. As Drake once said in 2010, ‘y-you can thank me now’, because I’ve only gone and done just that for you. Lettuce begin…
The Infamous Nordstrom Stone
Because no family member is complete without a stone… wrapped in leather. For the cousin or aunt who always complains of your shoddy gift giving behind your back, this’ll both confuse and intrigue them. Is it an expensive rock? Perhaps it symbolises something? And finally, the inevitable ‘this is so chic, it’ll fit right in with my *insert other ridiculous hipster item*’. At only $85, the love this weird leather stone brings with it, is endless.
An iPhone Projector
For the tween who’s always on their smartphone. Regularly found in the corner of someones bedroom, watching movies and or television shows of some sort. Sure their happiness is of little importance to you, but also you cannot come empty handed. I mean, you just purchased his/her mother a friggin’ leather covered stone. At only a tenner, it’s ‘something’ to give the spoilt brat who has e v e r y t h i n g.
Flame On Kicks
I’m mildly offended that JC didn’t use a billion Fantastic Four quotes to sell these flamin’ bad boys but nevertheless. For the F.R.I.E.N.D.S obsessed family member, who has searched high and low, heaven and earth to find an exact replica from that episode. The shoes that Joey Tribbiani says and I quote, ‘wow, it’s like they’re on fire’.
The Supreme Brick
Selling for a whopping $1,000 on eBay, the Supreme brick is an absolute steal. Tired of carving words into ordinary, frankly unappealing bricks and gift wrapping them for your Hipster cousins? At a grand a pop, you’re sure to be the favourite cousin this year. For all their style needs.
Regular Bingo < Cat Bingo
For the self professed cat-lover who insists on bringing her cat round for dinner, and fun for the whole family after desert! Cat Bingo sounds incredibly riveting, there are no losers in this game my friend.
Huggable Hot head
For the narcissistic family member who spends all of their time taking filter infused Snapchat videos. As your cousin, I am irritated by your face and the ominous music that plays in the background of your videos, as you mouth the words to the songs everyone hates. Here, have a warm bag with your face on it, it’s scented.
Story Books for Grown Ups
For the family member unforgiving of the Brexit results, but still very fond of story books and probably brutally honest about the world we live in, to their children. This collection of stories is for the adults unable to let go of their childhood, on second thoughts this may have to be a gift from me to me.
(Genius) Nail Contraption
For the cousin who frequently stares at your chipped nail varnish in disgust, as she goes on to tell you how well manicured her nails are. Because of course, she does hers every week and you’re barely human enough to take off the remnance of last months sassy red. The gift that proves once and for all, you know more about nail maintenance than she does, ha!
In the words of Chandler Bing, kids, roll your way to childhood obesity. For the 12 year-old step cousin whose name escapes you, but seems to have all the latest digital gear. Sure, why doesn’t a 12-year-old need an iWatch. Gift him these and watch in awe as he trips or rolls right into a wall. Ouch, who saw that coming?
Pants With Your Face on It!
A reminder that you own ‘dat azz’ and more specifically, the perfect gift for your other half. Or, if for some odd reason someone keeps stealing another someones undies?
Unspillable Wine Glasses
Inevitably, everyone will be necking gallons of wine, bucks fizz, beer and if you’re anything like my family, rum. So wine glasses are kind of the perfect gift right? Supposing these wine glasses were so awesome, they refused to be knocked over. For spillers alike, it’d be hard not to crack a smile on even the most sour of faces, over these ‘unknockoverable’ glasses. WITH A FUCKING GRIP LOCK.
All gifts have links simply click the image, you’re so welcome.